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Canadian Forces Withdraw from Kyoto to Join US Occupation of Australia

“Our work here is done,” says Canadian C-in-C Kent

DURBAN, December 6 – Commander-in-Chief of the Canadian armed forces Brigadier-General Peter Kent today announced that Canada would not commit to a second tour-of-duty in Kyoto, Japan, preferring instead to join US marines in their occupation of Australia after 2012.

“Despite having been instigated by a Liberal government, our time in Kyoto was extremely successful,” Kent said. “Unlike our deployment in Afghanistan, our Kyoto mission was a battle for hearts and minds rather than bodies, and our war against the enemies of the Friends of Science to uphold freedom of combustion can now be declared over.”

Brigadier Kent, new to his current role but with a distinguished past career as a professional liar, was asked how the pullout might be viewed at home given recent military embarrassments there. “The idea that we’re doing this to distract from what’s going on domestically is completely baseless,” he said. “A substantial proportion of the population never supported our presence in Kyoto, but they did like us being in Afghanistan, and although ice hockey isn’t played much in Australia the beer is cheaper and the dress code is much more relaxed, especially for the girls. We’re confident the Australian mission will be overwhelmingly supported by the Canadian public.”

The rationale for the redeployment to Australia matches that of the US, according to Kent. “We need to protect our friends in the western Pacific and southeast Asia against carbon pricing,” he said. “Our presence in Australia will help to restore democracy to that country and will caution neighboring countries against subversive ideas like carbon taxes or cap-and-trade.” He also suggested that the deployment could be expanded eastward into Oceania as rising sea level caused increases in the sizes of Pacific islands.

Analysts speculate that bases in Australia and the Pacific could also be used to protect LNG and bitumen export routes originating in Canadian and US ports and for pre-emptive strikes against potentially competing gas plants being constructed in the region. “If they’re serious about protecting their own exports to the region, Canada and the US obviously cannot allow wellbores of mass production to be constructed in, say, Indonesia or Papua New Guinea,” said one source, speaking on condition of anonymity. “A number of these things have already been identified from military satellites.”

He went on to suggest that Canadian troops could also be used to encourage and support Australian protests against pipelines being built from the gas fields of the west of the country to the markets in the east, another threat to Canadian exports. “There’s a global backlash against pipelines right now, and Canada and the US could exploit that.”

When journalists pointed out that eastern Australia had its own large deposits of coal and shale from which gas could be extracted by hydraulic fracturing, Brigadier Kent was dismissive. “Every Australian I’ve ever talked to thinks fracking is a sexual variation on planking,” he said. “With the right sort of education, I’m sure we can keep it that way.”